Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it

Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive

have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn

My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.

SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms

Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture

guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening

Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.

I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school

My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly

She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.

Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?

*holds up 6 fingers* This many

[party]

GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!

ME: Yahtzee!

GUY: That’s not a drinking game.

ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?

[everyone looks at each other]

ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?

Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon

*literally any business fails*

journalist: ahh yes, the millennials

My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???

[camping]

Her: *pointing* What’s that?

Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears

H: *tuts*

M: We’re safe as long as it’s there

H: Right…

*later – cut to me eating the sammich*

*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*

M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so

*seductively peels off lederhosen

me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate

A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.

[Did you mean “digger”?]

Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between

Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.

[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we

Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.

Me: Red is the color of love tho.

[petting a cat]

Owner: He’s my little fur baby

Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy

Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk

Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids

When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”

I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.