Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.

I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie

*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!

*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!

student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.

*watching The Revenant*

*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.

A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”

Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people

5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?

Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now

WHY?!

My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.

Look at this

Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.

Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?

Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.

Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..

But there are holes in your arguments.

You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

day 16 of being stuck in:

me: shall I have another glass of wine?

my wall: yes catherine splendid idea

Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.

My home pregnancy test came back negative.

I guess my house is just getting fat.

If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor

Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.

I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.

“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.

Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?

when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie

The game has officially changed 😎

My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.

I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people