Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Is that a B or an 8?

HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?

ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.

KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.

Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.

If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?

That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..

Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.

Hot singles in your area are eating chili.

pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet

Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE

LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-

*my phone battery dies*

ME: omg

WIFE: omg

ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me

Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”

I want hashbrown pills.

~the guy who invented Tater tots

[2 Years into Cosmetology School]

Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?

Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.

The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.

no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball

“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards

People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.

friend: you should be more spontaneous

me: *opens planner* when?

I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.

look detective, we’re ALL looking for a hot 5’ 10” guy with athletic build and strong follow through instincts

Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations

Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.

only 11 steps left

If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.

[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on

Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.

Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.

in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away

“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda