@dreamthievin

{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.

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@ThaJawn

Vampire: What is this?

Cashier: Pez *showing him how it works* See, the candy comes out of the-

Vampire: NECK! HA HA HA! I MUST HAVE ONE!

@alyssalimp

Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine

Me today: 2pm time for bed

@flashember

[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up

@ArfMeasures

Him: My friend got me a Fitbit

Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though

Him: You can buy them online

Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!

@KittenWritten

Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.

@shwebby3

Her: Are you okay?

Me: Yea, Great! This isn’t even my blood!

@pstamato

Asked exterminator if he chose the bug life or the bug life chose him. In the ensuing silence I assume he imagined me dying by fumigation.

@MauriceBlitz

I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.

@lovemyboots111

The reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

@MisterBombay

I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly