What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
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Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Kanye West can’t wait to be the best man at his wedding.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
ME: well said, kitty, well said
FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K1: We said £20 each!
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Go ahead and knock food that contains GMOs in the meantime this hotdog just started my car.