{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
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Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]