Vampire: What is this?
Cashier: Pez *showing him how it works* See, the candy comes out of the-
Vampire: NECK! HA HA HA! I MUST HAVE ONE!
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
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Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Her: Are you okay?
Me: Yea, Great! This isn’t even my blood!
Asked exterminator if he chose the bug life or the bug life chose him. In the ensuing silence I assume he imagined me dying by fumigation.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
The reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly