@dreamthievin

{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.

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@birbigs

What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?

@MissSassy_Pants

Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.

Me: Yup!

Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.

Officiant: Do you take this man?

Me: I do!

@SadFaceOtter

Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier

@ddsmidt

Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.

@Tw1tter_K1tten

It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.

@iliezabeth

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

@Prof_BrianCocks

K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?

@AbrasiveGhost

INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?

ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off

@tsm560

Go ahead and knock food that contains GMOs in the meantime this hotdog just started my car.