Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
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I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.
Tuber Eats.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
learning about math 🧐 📝
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.