Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
You Might Also Like
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.