Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
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Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something