Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
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Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
no way 😭
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My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.