Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
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one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
If you see a woman over 35 with her chin on her hand looking pensive, she is not deep in thought, she is trying to find that one chin hair that just suddenly appears out of nowhere and is strong enough to anchor a ship.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Me in tagged photos
