Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
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How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.
He described his son as “very mature”.
Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.