Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school
15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
