Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.

Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?

satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints

me: about the laughing?

satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out

me:

satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much

what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow

Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?

Sundae school.

My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though

[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?

[typing ellipses for a solid minute]

HER: yes

There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.

I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.

Worst. Transformer. Ever .

We’re gonna party like its 1999.

//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//

[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No

how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????

I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.

It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.

Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?

I feel that way about far too many people.

As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.

Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…

I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever

Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it

#have a #great #PancakeDay

I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.

Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.

Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look

Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?

girl: wanna have car sex?

me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler

Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.

No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.

Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.

[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first