Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.

*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*

The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.

My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.

We go on tour in the fall.

Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.

Podiatrists don’t use metric.

They only deal with feet.

Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing

Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.

What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.

me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.

*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*

[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?

[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.

But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.

Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?

Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.

Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you

ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species

And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony

satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints

me: about the laughing?

satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out

me:

satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much

A penguin’s resolutions:

-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet

5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.

Me: What???

5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.

me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream

I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse

Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.

Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack

Anakin: you underestimate my power

Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*

I would throw myself under a duvet for you.

Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles

*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.

*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.

*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.

Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.

If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.