JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
cyclists
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
