Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies

cashier: they’re $5 a piece

me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00

“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows

Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.

Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.

Me: I hate math.

Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: I usually stay pretty still.

Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”

The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.

I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce

I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.

-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids

After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.

a wizard dating app called bumbledore

Y’all wanna hear something funny?

Lol me too

Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body

Dwayne Johnson: i got this

I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?

It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.

If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had

Me: You said pick the kids up

Wife: OUR KIDS

Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense

Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day

Me:

My cat: wow you sure nap a lot

Not sure how to cuddle propawly

📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG

I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup

Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?

Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date

Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.

presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents

Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo

sin harder.

I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.