Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.

Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.

*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes

Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate

Him: U started your diet, didn’t u

[at home]

ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed

me: well..what’s the problem

ac repair guy: just shit in the filter

me: wait..to fix it??

[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:

No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies

Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.

my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*

me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*

teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?

Edgar: *shrugs*

teacher: Poe, try

Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.

Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.

“Have you forgotten your password?”

Fish: 😔

ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?

JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?

If twitter has taught me anything alot of us aren’t ready for a spelling bee

My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.

I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.

[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..

I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.

Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.

me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?

copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.

A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?

“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies

If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.

In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead

If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.

I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.

wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?

Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-

Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!

“pew, pew, pew!”

-me, pointing out seating options in a church

Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.