Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.

Is….Is this an option?

Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that

My body: are you serious? have you seen us?

I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?

Me: *gets comfortable*

Life: Just one more thing …

About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.

So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.

[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5

Welcome to adulthood.

You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.

“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut

*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?

Me: Can I get a sick note?

Doctor: Here u go.

Me:

Note: *coughs*

Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?

Me: Butternut Squash

When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge

*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second

Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.

Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs

I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.

If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.

BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…

ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?

lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-

me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!

Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.

I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out

Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.

Me [on fire]: HOW

Therapist: What brings you here today?

Me: I’m a middle child.

Therapist: I see, classi..

Me: In between two sets of twins.

Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.

Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.

I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.

Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul Afraides

Paul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes

[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere

When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying