Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”

ME: Whatcha doin?

WIFE: Watchin Dune.

ME: I asked you first, Sharon.

If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.

If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.

Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids

Witch 2: oh no, why?

Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol

1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)

Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?

Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.

He spends all day chilling in the water.

His life is one big pool party.

First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.

My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées

I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.

And now someone’s texting him.

Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.

11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you

– cluckbait

Me: You say all the right things.

Her: I didn’t say anything.

Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.

Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.

I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?

If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.

Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays

Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?

Date: actually, I love graveyards

Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?

*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap

*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit

*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.

Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”

[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]

Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-

Dracula’s son: they do the mash

Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash

ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo

KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*

ME: holy shit

Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron

[opening day at fast food place]

manager: all the orders in?

employee: yes.

manager: the electrical all set?

employee: yes.

manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?

employee: yes.

manager: perfect. we’re ready.

NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?

ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]

Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.

The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.