JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
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One time I wanted to avoid all the PTA moms, so I told them my cupcakes were store bought.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Turning regret into ulcers since 1996
Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
I love seeing cute puppy and dog videos where they’re loving getting pampered and groomed…I’ve personally never experienced a cool dog like that.
Mine always act like I’m about to sacrifice them to the gods.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?