Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.

[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears

the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls

*overheard in women’s bathroom*

I think there’s a guy in here.

You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.

Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain

No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….

Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.

[sharing a cold one with the guys]

“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”

Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles

a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.

*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*

dora: jeez we’re really lost

boots: dora i’m freezing

backpack: we need a fire

the map: what should we use to start it?

dora:

boots:

backpack:

the map: oh no

dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault

Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum

ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats

MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty

My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.

me: do you have these but in the pretzel version

pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank

I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie

Breaking news:

why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here

Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this

Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space

I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.

I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.

Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.

I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.

my back wasn’t made for hard labor*

*getting out of bed.

Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.