“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
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*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods
*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*
Me: why’s everyone looking at me?
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.