Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???

Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.

philosophy professor: you must question everything

[later]

me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit

Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.

A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”

A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.

My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.

Me: Wow, you two really like comedy

Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?

Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?

I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.

Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.

Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!

I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER

Going to the gym “naked” means without wearing headphones. I know this now.

Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram

hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?

I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house

I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.

if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???

i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones

*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”

My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.

Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*

4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.

It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.

My dating profile:

If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!

The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”

My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh

Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.

Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.