Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho

I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”

Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.

Them: You need to get a sense of humor.

Me: You need to say something funny.

I would like even faster food.

I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.

Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.

Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.

Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage

Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell

Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.

What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea

I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.

Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over

Her: This is our bedroom

Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow

[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]

I guess it’s time to shave for summer.

where do you see yourself in five years?

co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”

me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.

Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine

Me today: 2pm time for bed

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

*Victorian letters to Santa*

My dearest Santa,

I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.

*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*

I would like an orange.

Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first

stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”

Wife: I am angry with you.

Husband: Again or Still ?

When does CPR become necrophilia?

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.

Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.

Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”

“Don’t ask.”

Oh. I wasn’t even listening.

don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face