Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s

ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook

84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them

What if the weather talks about us?

*Wakes up*

“Wow I feel pretty good”

*Moves body*

“Maybe I spoke too soon”

Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.

Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.

Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years

Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?

ME [clever] no

i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try

Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.

Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.

You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.

Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.

[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]

doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI

TI’s daughter: a what

doctor: UTI

TI: no I’m TI

Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.

Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?

this makes me so uncomfortable

Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite

I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.

It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.

Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change

I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days

We are dating

My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa

“it’s just like riding a bicycle”

Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most

Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?

I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.

A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”

One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police

Torturer: just tell me what I need know

Me: NEVER

Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*

Me: OKAY I’ll talk