Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl

Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?

Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?

Son: The end.

“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.

I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.

me: lol you only hurt the ones you love

murderer: OMG shut up

my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch

– when did competitive farting become a thing

– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds

– bean-free chili recipes

CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Buy presents.

2) Pretend you could afford it

3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.

Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit

A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.

It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.

A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.

-tweeted from my hospital bed

Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.

PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear

If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?

At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…

11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”

Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.

I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem

When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”

the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter

I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.

4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?

Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.

i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue

Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.

my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played

“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on

this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane

Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.

They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies