Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Limited budget

Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done

Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*

My neighbor: Good Morning!

Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?

When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?

[holding the door open for a pretty woman]

Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir

Me: *blushing* I aim to please

Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor

M: I despise you

People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.

Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?

Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.

Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.

Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues

[haunted house]

Me: I’m terrified

Jessica: is it the rattling chairs

Erica: is it the bleeding doors

Sarah: is it the possessed portraits

Kate: is it the shaking coffins

Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before

My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.

“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.

[last day at job]

“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”

[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]

“Not you tho Phil”

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive

Nobody:

5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?

Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.

Nope, not until now, dude.

When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.

I stopped my pig from eating a penny.

I don’t know why.

I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.

(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany

I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.

Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???

I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.

To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.

*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*

I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.

It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible

I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment