Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man

edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him

DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.

I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.

“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.

My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.

This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.

Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.

I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.

I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.

There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.

I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.

ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!

BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.

Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.

My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned

The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer

when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig

Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.

Marriage Counsellor: …

VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.

major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already

SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…

*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*

me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times

i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one

ok wait i got 66 problems

I have a type: disappointing

Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?

When do elections stop being the most important ones of our lifetime because I’ve been through like 5 of those

I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.