Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Person: Home decor is a niche market.

Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.

They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.

Bike for sale

It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.

So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know

Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.

Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?

Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June

Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price

Mom:-

Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF

Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty

ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone

Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.

I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.

Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.

COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.

No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.

I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane

[first date]

HER: ask me anything..

ME: are you paying for dinner?

It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.

My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.

I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.

Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce

Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”

therapist : are you ever worried that-

me: Yes

Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit

me: hey cat what are you up to

cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ

me: what

cat: meow

When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.

God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*

Adam: That’s a weird way to make people

God: Lol wait till you see how she does it

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.

the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this

I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger