[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
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I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long