The replacement refs pulled a @KimKardashian last night (screwed 53 rich black guys at the same time).
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
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ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
me: [being murdered] tell my gf I love her
wife: [stops fighting murderer] what
I don’t know which is stranger: That the cat buried a mouse’s body in the yard, or that the service was attended by dozens of mice in suits.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
*I’m a gift to mankind.*
Mankind- I’d like to exchange this please.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”