@TheTweetOfGod

Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.

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@Donna_McCoy

I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.

@LlamaInaTux

Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave

Me: and the last piece?

Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao

@LuckyLea13

I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself

@NoticablyBacon

I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college

@Fred_Delicious

“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”

@nyquills

Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.

Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom

Snape: omg same

@coalslag

Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.

@tiemoose

doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow

me: [devastated] what’s the good news

doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long