@TheTweetOfGod

Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.

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@PimpBillClinton

The replacement refs pulled a @KimKardashian last night (screwed 53 rich black guys at the same time).

@TheToddWilliams

[Whole Foods]

ME: Where are all the donuts?

CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts

ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!

@arcadeseals

me: [being murdered] tell my gf I love her

wife: [stops fighting murderer] what

@Thedudish

I don’t know which is stranger: That the cat buried a mouse’s body in the yard, or that the service was attended by dozens of mice in suits.

@simoncholland

I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

@WilliamRodgers

This could be the Alcohol talking but….

OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!

@david8hughes

[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”