jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
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Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
The one thing I miss about school is never doing my homework.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.
Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.