jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
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A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Reminder:
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both