Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
You Might Also Like
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
scares
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
I don’t think my car can fly
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat