Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says

Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are

Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot

[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me

*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”

If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”

I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.

I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me

He’s cranky this morning

[sound of can opening]

wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?

me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday

wife: but we’re still at church

“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”

Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”

Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!

Me: ah, the irony

Friend: What?!

Me: What?

I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST

Breaking news:

[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”

Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment

[Gets shot by mugger]

Girl walks by: omg are u ok?

I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?

Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?

Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies

I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.

*flashes smile*

*smile calls police*

7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.

7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.

7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.

8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.

9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.

I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face

*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?

Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.

[being held hostage]

Me: this is nice

Kidnapper: what

Me: I love to be held

blessings are like coconuts

sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”

but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend

[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years

Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies

Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.

Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.