Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hacker: ready?

weapons guy: I was born ready

[25 years earlier]

doctor: it’s a boy!

midwife: where did he get nunchucks

[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby

Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire

Me: Almost never.

Her: Oh that’s a relief.

Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)

The eclipse was like April fools for birds

Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.

Sir, that’s a phone book.

If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.

The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.

Definitely less than a hundred.

[Plays air guitar]

[Dodges air panties]

George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.

2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*

Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?

Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.

I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami

Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:

HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!

HIM:

HER:

HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours

Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?

My New Year’s resolutions:

1. Stop making lists.

B. Be more consistent.

7. Learn to count.

Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means

Me: No, what?

H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9

Me: get out

It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.

‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥

Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re

[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?

“You do the math”

Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)

I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?

Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America

Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

Them: be yourself

Me: do you have any better advice

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

How’d you get those bruises?

*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*

Karate.