[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
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The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Just found out we’re not supposed to root for the chest burster in Alien??
He is literally A BABY!
I’m sorry I’d rather support an innocent child than a mining conglomerate.
In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”
“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew