[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
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Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
having a job is cool but everydayyy???
If only
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.