[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
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Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
ever thought about centaurs and how the bottom half would start walking immediately after birth but the top part would be baby like and flop around for a while.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant