[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
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Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread