Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.

You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.

[in the park]

ME: aww look a baby

WIFE: is it on me?!

ME: um no it’s in a stroll-

WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME

Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.

“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”

My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”

Don’t you want this to be easier for you?

-Gangster – level 3

Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes

Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.

me: i’m not afraid of death

[2 mins later : stubs toe]

also me: OMG I’M DYING

It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.

How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.

Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary

Cop on other side: what is he doing

I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.

Hear toddler having meltdown at Target

Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.

I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.

Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.

Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter

HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE

Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?

decorating my apartment

Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.

i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone

i’ve had this nightmare before 😱

Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over

Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834

I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.

Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!

Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?

Me: Too late?

I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.