@Reverend_Scott

[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast

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@baronvonbike

My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.

@therealeatwood

ME: So you indicate action using airstrikes?

HER: What? No, I said asterisks.

ME: Ha, of course. [to walkie-talkie] Disengage. DISENGAGE!

@theshamingofjay

If the picture you took of the bad weather while driving isn’t followed by a picture of your car crash then it wasn’t that bad.

@Tups13

You don’t have to own a dog to carry a bag of poo around in public. Literally anyone can do it.

@PaperWash

I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice

@markydoodoo

*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*

Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?

@YouWillGo2Hell

Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.

@Spaziotwat

[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”