[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
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Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
😂😂
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.