Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.

“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”

boss: you’re fired

me: [pausing tiktok] why

“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.

People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop

And as it is written, hot girl summer fades to crow girl autumn. We are snatching fries out of midair, we are hoarding shiny objects in a hollowed out stump, we are standing ominously over a gravesite.

Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS

1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS

I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.

DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer

BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise

horse: these pants fit me perfectly

sales clerk: very good sir

horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs

sales clerk: *discretely* of course

I have two kinds of followers

Cherry seeds are just the pits.

#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris

My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother

Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.

Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket

Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.

grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER

If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.

My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.

I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.

I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.

Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!

Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.

I propose we rename our seasons:

• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit

[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice

My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?

I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways

This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.

Well, he said they were pretty…

Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”

‘Hey look, hot dogs!’

Dogs: *blush* omg thanks

Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!

(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this