[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
You Might Also Like
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶
Me: “Agree to disagree.”
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Discuss
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE