Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza

Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks

Him: you just offended all of Canada

My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.

I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat

if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.

the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10

Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.

Me: I did.

Wife: That’s mauve.

I hate it when she makes up words.

Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.

Marriage Counsellor: …

This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.

i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times

My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah

First Christmas argument underway.

There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”

I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.

Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.

41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?

I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.

-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say

I no longer need Google.

I have a 22 year old in college.

[produce section, grocery store]

Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?

I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.

doctor: why do you think you need this medication?

me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome

Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.

Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?

Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for

Netflix: Oh ok

Me: No I mean put it on

When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.

ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]

2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think

2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam

[planning heist]

leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?

me: that’s when I take my break too tho

You: *sneezes*

Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.

To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.

we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology