Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.

Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you

[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]

*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*

“I…am…a…vegan”

:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”

Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.

If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.

HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?

ME: my wife hears everything

HUSBAND 911: do I?

ME: what?

HUSBAND 911: what?

Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows

I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.

I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.

Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.

[ER visits, by age]

Doctor: How did this happen?

Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.

I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.

People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.

SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.

PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?

SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.

Her: I’m really into eating clean.

Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.

Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.

her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot

It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.

That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”

3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?

Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.

22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”

29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”

When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.

Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’

Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet

Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.

Me: You’re my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa

Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.

Wife: Of course not, where is he?

Me: I just told you.

Sister: “Family shot time”

Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”

Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”

Me: oh

How to ruin your kids day:

1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock

If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.