Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.

*whispers*
Judged you.

please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.

Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine

People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.

sigh

what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free

Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.

[in the insect dissection room]

Your fly is open.

MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on

ME: *visibly ages*

This is going to be a meme FOREVER:

[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.

I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.

The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”

This Thanksgiving my 27 year old liberal nephew will be fighting my 58 year old conservative uncle at the dinner table in case Netflix wants to film that too

My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.

currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart

My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.

In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.

I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.

Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.

Mario Kart:

1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife

I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…

A coworker just said she couldn’t change the printer ink because she’s very sensitive to electrodes(?) and didn’t have the right crystals to counteract(??)

before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’

after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’

I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.

If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.

I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?