them: we’re offering you a job at the hospital in our new ward
me: omg really?!? which one
me: aw dang i thought you were serious 🙁
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*
[back in heaven]
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
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As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
GROUND CONTROL: *throws headset* I lost him, sir
*my voice cuts in on radio*
Hello?..Sorry I was drafting a tweet..How do I fly the plane
69 is the kamikaze of sex. If I’m going down, you’re coming with me.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
this one is broken
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry
not salty enough
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]
sorry this might take a while…
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.