“College is a cycle of having absolutely nothing to do… to having every possible paper, exam and project due in one day.”
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*
[back in heaven]
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
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Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Me: *audible toot*
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Beautiful women following me on Twitter is screwing up my perception of who will talk to me in RL. A trip to Walmart should fix that.