Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*

[back in heaven]
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”

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them: we’re offering you a job at the hospital in our new ward

me: omg really?!? which one

them: psych

me: aw dang i thought you were serious 🙁


As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.


[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?


I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.


GROUND CONTROL: *throws headset* I lost him, sir

*my voice cuts in on radio*

Hello?..Sorry I was drafting a tweet..How do I fly the plane


69 is the kamikaze of sex. If I’m going down, you’re coming with me.


Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”

Me: *swirls drink* “No”.


I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.

too salty

this one is broken

that one was perfect but I’m still hungry

not salty enough

broken again


sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]

sorry this might take a while…