Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.

Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.

Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.

I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—

My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???

Son: Daddy are we poor?

Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?

roses are red

violets are blue

the jerk store called

theyre running out of you

Him: You seem super chill.

Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.

Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*

Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?

One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?

For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.

ㅤ

Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!

Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.

My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.

9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi

I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.

Me: Please throw your trash away.

Child: I’m too tired!!

Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]

My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere

If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.

Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?

Me: Ice cream

pilot: we’re about to crash

passengers: OMG

pilot: this wedding

passengers: phew

pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church

Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird

Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!

It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree

When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

McKay Coppins:

My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.

On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”

It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.