Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now

me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email

outlook: [confused hissing]

All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.

[at a wake]

Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this

Widow: wow

if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water

4yo: can you get this open for me?

Me: oomph this is kinda tough

4yo: use your claws

she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay

Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:

“The meeting’s cancelled.”

Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up

Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts

Exits public bathroom stall

Makes eye contact with the person next in line

Mouths: “I’m so sorry”

Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called

I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go

friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously

me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!

[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor

A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away

Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”

DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.

ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?

DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.

ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*

[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.

[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*

On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.

Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.

Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.

Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware

Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!

Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?

It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she

I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.

I do this on a Steffi Graph.

BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?

ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses

I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.

If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂

Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash