Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.

“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…

…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.

God, I love Scotland

When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too

waiter: any water for the table

me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or

when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”

Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button

One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.

“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…

I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.

My boss: you seem distracted today…

Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.

Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is

[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]

Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

[my wife wants an expensive audi]

ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each

HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?

ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each

[an hour later]

ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each

“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”

Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza

Executioner: Any last words

Me: No, I’m –

My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call

I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.

Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.

[cabin rentals]

DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.

i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far

Relationship status update:

It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace

(kids playing upstairs)

*loud crash*

Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*

Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?

And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!

DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.

i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him

coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing

Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.

Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.

I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.