Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.

crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free

Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.

JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one

Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.

I’m their teacher.

I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.

Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.

Me: That’s a cam-

Wife: …

Me: Yes. Yes they do.

astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely

“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.

Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.

Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.

I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.

What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?

Amateur

ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy

SATAN: holy shit

Seat cushions are the original stool softeners

Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer

You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.

British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley

Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040

I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.

4yo: can you get this open for me?

Me: oomph this is kinda tough

4yo: use your claws

“You drive me to drink!”

-I shout at my taxi driver.

When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.

*lays head on homeless guys lap*

“You would not believe the day I had”

Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.

Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.

*Job Interview

Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”

(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)

Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*

If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls