Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes

DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.

ME: I’m.

HER: Check please!

This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.

Must be doing something wrong.

“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”

Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.

The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.

Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.

ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet

I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!

[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless

Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full

*gains winter weight for “insulation”

*is now fat and cold

doctor: what seems to be the problem

t-rex: I cant feel my legs

doctor: go on

t-rex: because I’ve got little arms

doctor: get out

If you love someone, let them sleep.

After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.

All that money and nothing to chauffer it.

*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*

I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.

I mean, why knot?

#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes

If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation

Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct

her: the moon is so romantic tonight

me: how

the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey

me: h-[blushing] hey

For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic

Boss: You were napping

Me: No I wasn’t

Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face

Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*

It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.

Seems legit.

“How would you describe yourself.”

Me – I absolutely would not.

Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.

Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.

i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is

When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?

Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.