@aka_fatman

*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*

“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”

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@Jake_Vig

No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.

@CrockettsBeard

I edited all the slow motion scenes in Baywatch back to regular speed. The entire series was only 16 minutes long.

@sonictyrant

Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?

Me: ok, but no tongue

@funnybeachgirl

Friday night plans

*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac

@bigmacher

Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.

@3sunzzz

If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.

@JediGigi

Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?

Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high

@AngelaEhh

My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.

… and dates.