@T_Bonezzz_
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
@aka_fatman
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
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@T_Bonezzz_
@sarah_ogun
Imma need the barbs, beyhive, k pop stan Twitter, navy, and retired 1D stans to join forces and rig this election. I know yโall can do it
@lovejulieacafe
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
@RunOldMan
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
@zachreinert03
Any dance can be a no pants dance. In fact, might be a fun way to bring back the Macarena
@SteveSuckington
Good call inventor of glass tables. There’s nothing more appetizing than realizing Aunt Mildred doesn’t wear panties while I’m trying to eat
@sfreeze6
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
@steeve_again
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
@sidleykate
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
@OhNoSheTwitnt
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”