@aka_fatman

*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*

“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”

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@T_Bonezzz_

Nicholson: You want answers?!

Cruise: I want the truth!!

Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?

@sarah_ogun

Imma need the barbs, beyhive, k pop stan Twitter, navy, and retired 1D stans to join forces and rig this election. I know yโ€™all can do it

@lovejulieacafe

My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.

If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…

@RunOldMan

I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.

@zachreinert03

Any dance can be a no pants dance. In fact, might be a fun way to bring back the Macarena

@SteveSuckington

Good call inventor of glass tables. There’s nothing more appetizing than realizing Aunt Mildred doesn’t wear panties while I’m trying to eat

@sfreeze6

One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.

@steeve_again

[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]

*sawing person in half*

Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*

@sidleykate

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.

“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”