No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
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I edited all the slow motion scenes in Baywatch back to regular speed. The entire series was only 16 minutes long.
Alexa , did scaramouche ,scaramouche ever do the fandango ?
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.