Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be

I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?

Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it

[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]

Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.

Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism

Halloween is great because it combines two of my favorite hobbies: driving out to a wet farm to handpick the heaviest inedible vegetable I can find, and taking my small disguised children out past their bedtimes to roam the streets in darkness

Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.

People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.

It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.

“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”

as the prophecy foretold

They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?

Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.

Width of elevator: 5 feet.

You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.

[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!

Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble

Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*

[repeat ad infinitum]

I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.

I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.

If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows

likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.

If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.

Me: *covers foot with blanket*

Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*

Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin