jesus christ confetti not now
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Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
I came this close!!!!
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.