Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”

I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock

*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs

Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

12

The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house

What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A billiard table.

Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.

*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.

*lays head on homeless guys lap*

“You would not believe the day I had”

When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been

same energy

Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.

requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”

tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

The answer is funnier than the question

Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.

Them: Mr. Scholl-

Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR

Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s

Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.

LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.

[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?

i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now

the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up

I missed going to the gym today.

So that’s 20 years in a row now.

Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.

I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.

I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”

white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.

me: that doesn’t make any-

woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.

Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?

Me: Get?

What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?