Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
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wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Customize Your Wedding.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
