Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
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Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Friday
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass