Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
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How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
My wife treats me like a check engine light
She does something that turns me on
Then ignores me and hopes I go away
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window
Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers
Leo: The darkness is more afraid of you than you are of it. This is an extremely concerning development.