Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?

I lovingly caress my belly.

“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.

I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.

My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.

If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom

Sometimes you need to hug someone out…

…cold.

If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.

Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*

We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.

Only 261 days until Oktoberfest.

I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this

I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese

Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?

Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.

Me: …

Employee: …

Me: Or you’ll what?

My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget

Computer: choose a password

Me: mysocks

Computer: confirm password

Me: mysocks

Computer: passwords do not match

I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are

Not to brag but I run faster than the speed of light.

My tortoise’s name is Speed of Light.

I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.

I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.

Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.

Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face

My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.

if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.

Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*

Try that* in a small town.

*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.

Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,

You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!