Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
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My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!
everyone else: [cleans]
me: not like that
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.
I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about