Jesus Christ lmao
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Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
◾️
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic