*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
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All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
just remembered this lol
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots