Jesus Christ lmao

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*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*


All parents have a favourite child

Good parents pretend they don’t

Great parents at least make it one of their own


18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.

Me: …


Wife: What did I ask you to do?

Me: Love you forever?


M: Kill a man to defend you honor?


I was getting there.


Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.


me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky