Jesus Christ lmao
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I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.