“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
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I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
But that’s none of my business
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…