“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
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Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Every time I hear a Christmas Carol, I’m picturing Jesus with that look people get when they’re waiting for you to finish singing them ‘Happy Birthday’.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”