Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’

Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.

*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous

Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass

What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.

#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe

None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.

THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!

1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity

Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.

If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently

After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.

*watching John Wick*

Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.

absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys

My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives

My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.

I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.

I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.

There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.

ok like just. call me at this point

The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport

I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.

Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah

Date: So what do you do for fun?

Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.

10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”

8: “That’s not a real year.”

I like men who play hard to get.

So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.

Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.

Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days

[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.