Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
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*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
asking my bank if i can do extra credit
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…