Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”

HER: men are so creepy

ME(from inside the walls): define creepy

Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.

Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point

My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.

She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.

Surgery didn’t go well.

Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…

The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.

Twitter account is my serious account.

The funny one is my bank account.

A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.

sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.

I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.

[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.

I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective

being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief

“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*

The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”

I whispered back, “bring pizza”

I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it

I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.

Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets

Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.

Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.

[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no

When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?

So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF

“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”

Exactly

“What?”

It’s inflation

“I hate you”

a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway

The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.

Mhm.

Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.

An amish party in the desert called churning man.