Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: What’s wrong with you?

Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*

Me: What are you doing?!

5-year-old: Hugging my sister.

Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.

5:

Me:

5: The good ones do.

my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?

me: idk, want me to google it?

him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this

me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree

him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense

Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.

Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that

then why did i get this email

law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class

me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now

I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.

her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.

This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.

What kind of car does a sheep drive?

A Lamborghini.

Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.

“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever

I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…

*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO

Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles

Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.

No one suspects the “happy couple.”

Him: you’re so cool

Me: thanks

Him: …and aloof

Me: thanks

Him: it’s like you were raised by cats

Me: *licks his face* huh?

My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.

Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!

They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.

On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.

Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now

Renewed my membership this morning

Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”

*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*

Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?

3 PLACES I LOVE STAYING:
1. HOME
2. OUTTA PEOPLE BUSINESS
3. IN MY OWN LANE

Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.

Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.

Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.

Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.