Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other

Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands

Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT

“dress for the job you want”

There’s a job you want???

My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.

I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.

I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.

Qtips don’t just fall in the bathroom trash can they bounce right out on the floor according to my 23 yr old daughter

People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud

Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?

If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.

You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.

This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.

Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.

“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”

That lamp looks PISSED.

“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”

I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.

My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.

Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider

Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”

Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”

[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.

The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”

“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers

Friend: I’m poly.

Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!

John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed

guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here

[throwing out the baby]

Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!

{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.

My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.