Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
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Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
A small tragedy.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked